How To Create a Cipher

There is a sure-fire way to create a cipher, a non-persona, someone so easily discounted that their very existence can be dismissed without so much as a consideration:

All you have to do is become an Amateur Psychiatrist.

Now, if you're a REAL psychiatrist, this will not apply, because real psychiatrists are not ignorant ass hats and they know the truth* (see later). But Amateur Psychiatrists?  Oh, the ignorance abounds. 

Now, as an Amateur Psychiatrist, an AP, if you will, the first thing you'll need is a rudimentary understanding of a mental illness.  Please, for your sake and mine, do NOT consult an expert for this--in this case, too much knowledge can be a detriment, and do not read the DSM IV (although if you haven't spoken directly to your soon-to-be-Cipher, the DSM IV is fine because most of it requires personal observation and interview, something, as an AP, you don't do). Try reading an article from Redbook, Cosmo or Good Housekeeping with an article entitled:

Is Someone You Know Bi-Polar?

If you want to be an extremely good AP, make sure you Google the mental illness and read blogs about it. Personal stories, especially by other APs, will help you immensely in diagnosing your Cipher.

Now, as an AP you have to be very certain which mental illness you're going to diagnose. Obviously the most popular one is Bi-Polar Disorder.  (Hey all you APs, make sure you follow the helpful link--scads of info for you!) 

Here's why bi-polar is popular among APs:

1) because it's so easy to misdiagnose by an AP

2) because it has the most negative social connotations of all the mental illnesses, and 

3) it's easily the most misunderstood of all mental illnesses and carries with it all of the earmarks of the makings of a Cipher.

See, Bi-polars are crrrrrazy! Nothing they say or do makes any sense! Everyone knows it!

You see, you can't "diagnose" someone with plain and simple uni-polar depression. That carries with it a certain empathy and understanding in most people and doesn't have the "person-nullifying" results you're seeking. As you can see here:

Ordinary citizen #1:   "Oh, did you know Martha suffers from severe depression?"

Ordinary citizen #2: "Oh, the poor thing. Bless her heart. My cousin's sister-in-law had that after her...."

Now, you can't go the other direction and call them an outright schizophrenic.  Especially since the person you're attempting to diagnose doesn't display the more common signs of schizophrenia such as disorganized thinking, impaired verbal, social and cognitive functions and verbal or visual hallucinations. And to call someone that out of pure spite wouldn't elicit the persona non grata response you're seeking from others, either.  Take this dialogue for example:

AP: "Ooh, she is so--so schizophrenic!"

Ordinary citizen #1:  "She is? Oh, that's so awful. Poor woman, bless her--"

AP: "No, no, what I'm saying is that she's an insufferable bitch and I hate her!"

Ordinary Citizen #1: "That's a horrible thing to call someone! Schizophrenia is a serious medical condition! Why would you call a person with a serious medical condition a bitch if she's ill?"

AP: "No, no I didn't mean she's really ill, just that she's--"

Ordinary citizen #1: "Maybe you ought to go to a doctor!" (Stomps off.)

Do you see? Do you see, AP, how this can backfire on you rather quickly? And forget diagnosing Personality Disorders for your would-be Cipher. Most people don't even have a rudimentary understanding of PD's to differentiation all of them, so it's kind of the same thing as calling your would-be Cipher a crude name;  you might as well stick to the crude name and avoid confusion:

AP: "He is such a Borderline!"

Ordinary citizen #1: "A what?"

AP: "You know...a--a Borderline Personality....oh, fine, he's a bastard, okay? A fucking bastard!"

Ordinary citizen #1: "Ohhhh....I see."

(as a cautionary note, you yourself most likely suffer from a Personality Disorder, so this can be ultimately very sticky.) Remember, this is all about them! Never take any responsibility yourself. But, I digress; another lesson for another day.

What I want to underscore for you AP, is to stick to what you don't know: Bi-polar. Anything else can be misconstrued too easily and might elicit the unwanted (and face it, unwarranted) response of sympathy and compassion from others whom you are trying to poison.

Now, choosing your Cipher. This is a no-brainer. The Ex.  Ex anything, really: Ex-lover, ex-boss, ex-friend, but the most popular is, of course, your ex-spouse.


Have you noticed the strange epidemic of Exs? They all--every one, have Bi-polar! Diagnosed (properly, I'll wager) by their former spouses who are budding or accomplished APs.


Now this is the most crucial part, AP.  Make sure your former spouse doesn't actually have Bi-polar disorder. This can backfire on you in unexpected ways, too. You see, usually if a person is being treated for bi-polar medically, they are *typically (continued from above) more self-aware, psychologically healthier, and more intelligent than you are, and their psychiatrist (the real one who went to medical school) will corroborate this.  So tread carefully when spouting off pure spite at a person who responsibly treats their illness medically and works hard to manage it and understand it. 


This is where your uninformed opinion comes in. AP:  You can announce to everyone that your Ex is an untreated Bi-polar. That's right--oh, and to make sure you do as much damage as possible, make sure you tell the kiddies you share with the Ex. 


And tell everyone else, too. If you do your job correctly, the conversation should go like this:


AP: "Well, my Ex is totally Bi-polar."


Ordinary citizen. "Oh, well no wonder you got a divorce!"


AP: "Yep. Biiiiiii-polar. I mean, after the divorce, he was so...so depressed...."


Ordinary citizen: "Oh you poor thing..."


AP: "And now, look at him. As happy as a clam. Text book Bi-polar."


Ordinary citizen: "The rotten bastard."


AP: "I know, right?"


You see? Commiseration. Understanding. A total avoidance of responsibility. And as the cake-topper, you have created in your children's eyes and anyone else ignorant enough to listen to you, a Cipher, a non-person. Congratulations! 








Chowder





(On a cautionary side note---just a very remote complication: when you denigrate and smear your Ex to your shared children, you directly attack your own child's self-esteem, well-being, and damage their concept of who they are and where they fit in this world.)

BUT--the satisfaction you glean will surely make up for any suffering you cause them.