MEME....*sigh*

1. What do you add to your coffee? Nothing--I like my coffee like my soul--dark and bitter.


2. What are you reading now? Bright-Sided by Barbra Ehrenreich and Bi-Lives: Bisexual Women Tell Their Stories by Kata Orendorff and Invisible Prey by John Sanford.


3. Do you own a gun? No. My son has several Nerf Guns that have proved to be quite painful, though. Especially at close range,



4. Are you registered to vote? Yes... and nothing is funny about that at all.



5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Yeah, especially if I'm going in for a reason.


6. What do you think of hot dogs? I think very little of hot dogs. But chili dogs? Yeah baby.



7. Favorite Christmas Song? “Christmas Is...”  It reminds me of mom and I miss her so much this year.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Coffee...black, like my black and bitter soul....


9. Can you do push ups? Damn skippy.



10. What was the name of your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Lance Lee.


11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelery? my mom's ring. Soon it will have stiff competition with my new wedding ring below (long story...)

12. Favorite hobby? Painting, reading, playing the piano.



13. Do you work with people who idolize you? No, I work with myself and I stopped idolizing me years ago.



14. Do you have ADD? I don't think so. I think I side-stepped THAT one.



15. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself? My black and bitter soul....



16. I guess Ann. Or Carter?

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment. I can hear someone peeing in the guest bathroom. What is K writing? My tummy hurts a little.

18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday. Uh, a pedicure, and two things you really don't wanna know about.

19. Name 3 beverages you regularly drink. Coffee, water, chai



20. Current worry right now? My black and bitt--no wait, that isn't it. I worry that my editor will hate my book.


21. What side do you dress to? This question is BAFFLING to me.



22. Favorite place to be? Home sweet home--in K's arms.

23. How did you bring in the New Year? Quietly with my husband and kids.


24. Where would you like to go? Paris, someplace tropical and warm....


25. Name three people who will complete this. Hey this is MY meme. No one better complete it but me.


26. Whose answers do you want to read the most? Does anyone really ever read these until they erase the answers to put their own in? Horrible sentence structure, I know.

27. What color shirt are you wearing? Kent's gray USA sweatshirt.


28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? No. We slip off. And it never fails, my toenail will scratch on it all night.



29. Can you whistle? Define 'whistle'.



30. Favorite colors(s)? Red and all of it's variants, and black. Like my bitter soul.



31. Could you be a pirate? No I don't like to rape, pillaging is way over-rated and...well I do like to dance a jig on occasion....hmmmm.

32. What songs do you sing in the shower? "Rubber Ducky, you're the onnnnne..."

33. Favorite girls name? Trinity and Bethany

34. Favorite boy’s name? Michael

35. What’s in your pocket right now? Air. Now my fingers are, checking for something...nope, just air.
36. Last thing that made you laugh? Reading about Mormon doctrine. Sorry, it's true.


37. Best bed sheets as a child? Flannel striped in yellow, pink and blue.

38. Worst injury you’ve ever had? Concussion, perianeal hematoma, whiplash. All caused by the same asshole.

39. Do you love where you live? As long as K and kids are with me, I love it.
40. How many TVs do you have in your house? ONE

41. Who is your loudest friend?  I really don't have any loud friends. I'm the loud one.

42. How many dogs do you have? None.. 2 kittie-catties. Suki and Chew

43. Does anyone have a crush on you? I have my suspicions. But I think it might be a FaceBook app.

44. What are the most fun things you ever did? Kent was with me when I did them. 'Nuff said, I hope.


45. What are your favorite books? Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller, Winter of Our Discontent by John Steinbeck, The Stranger by Albert Camus, No Exit by Jean-Paul Sartre...many more.



46. What is your favorite candy? Mom's caramels. 

47. Favorite Team? The other one.

48. What songs do you want played at your funeral? Brick House by the Commodores. :0)



49. What were you doing at 12 AM? One of the most fun things I ever did.



50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Gee, good morning to you, too honey.

"You Create Your Own Reality" and other Fairy Tales

I've talked about this before in previous posts, but it's time to revisit it.

I was once a believer. When all hope is gone, what better remedy is there than the adoption of a belief system that requires nothing of you but faith?

Being involved in a church, say Mormonism, requires more than faith. It requires you to show up, perform callings, and most important of all, money.

But the New Age religion--and yes it's a religion, subscribes to the tenant that all one has to do is think, and all will be well.

To talk to a NA believer is to talk to a fundamental Christian with different "God Cards";  Here are some examples:

Person #1: I am struggling with my bills
Person #2: Then you must want to struggle with bills because you are choosing to struggle.

Person #1: I have cancer.
Person #2: Then choose to not have cancer.

Person #1: What you said really hurt my feelings.
Person #2: I am only a mirror for you; you are choosing to be hurt by my words.

Person #1: I am feeling depressed.
Person #2: Then choose to feel better.

Person #1: I wish I had more money.
Person#2: Then decide to have more money.

***

Their argument is that you create your own reality. You are in charge of the world around you.
If you contract HIV, it must be because you chose to contract it. If something doesn't go your way, then it's a lesson; if you date a man who begins to abuse you, then you attracted him to you.

But what if my reality includes a beautiful rainy day, and my neighbor's includes a sunny one?

What if I really focus on having that pretty ring in the window and someone else buys it?

Magical thinking is maddening on several levels.

It places blame on a person for merely being human.

Everyone has a bad day. Everyone feels negative or pessimistic from time to time. Our feelings do not translate into matter. Our actions can, but our feelings do not. There has been no evidence to support such a claim. In New Age thought, if a person sends out negative vibrations into the "Universe", it comes back to them, like an Instant Karma. It is like a giant, cosmic mirror that throws your "stuff" into your own face, and it manifests with things completely (in reality) out of our control, like illness, financial misfortune, conflict, accidents.

It teaches that people 'choose' to have bad things happen to them.

One of the most damaging beliefs is the belief that a person chooses misfortune. I have an illness because I am choosing to have it. It's not that I have seizures in my brain caused by a small misfiring of the synapses which cause a sort of electrical storm in my brain. No, it's because on some level, I choose to have a debilitating illness for some sort of payoff. Now, try talking to a New Ager about that. They will tell you you choose it; you will tell them you don't. (This is where they pull the New Age God Card) Yes, you do, because subconsciously, you somehow feel like you deserve the illness, or better yet, you want the illness as some payoff for unresolved mucky-muck from your past life or current relationships.

If it wouldn't be completely inappropriate, Id like to send every New Ager to the Children's Cancer Ward up at the U of U hospital. I'd tell them to tell the parent's of a dying child that this is a good thing; that karma's at work, or better yet, they chose to have a child with cancer. I'd like to see the New Ager's face caved in by the father of the sick child.

It teaches that we attract wealth and prosperity--or NOT.

People with money who buy into the New Age thought have it pretty nice. They can show us that proof is in the proverbial pudding. But what about the guy who just got laid off?

What about people who do all the right things and still can't make end's meet? Oh yes, see the first lesson. Or the second for that matter.

It teaches that we can change the outer world with our inner world.

This is the most pervasive and outlandish claim by the New Age thought movement. I know; I used to buy it, hook, line and sinker. You can read posts on this blog where I talk about things coming my way that I 'brought' to me by my sheer force of  my will. Please. What if it was the will of someone else and it affected me? Am I just a pawn to my husband because he willed someone like me into his life? What about the agency of choice?

But when people in this movement get their way, it solidifies their belief structure; when they don't, they deal the God Card ("It just isn't your time to get pregnant"; "You are too negative...think more positively". "The 'Universe' has something better in store for you".)

There are too many factors that determine events in this world to assign a God, New Age belief or happy thought to. Sometimes, shit happens. And when shit happens, the fall-out is a complex series of choices, events, natural and reactive consequences that make up the aftermath.

To say other wise is magical thinking at it's worst.

I actually spoke to someone the other night who told me that a woman sex addict with whom I worked chose to contract HIV, giving it to her unsuspecting husband (he must have 'chosen' to get it as well.) I calmly explained that no, when you have sex with an HIV-positive person, the likelihood that you will contract the disease is very good. Her response ran along these lines:

"No, it was a choice. She could have chosen to not contract the virus. There are plenty f people who have HIV-positive partners that never contract it."

This last part is true; but to ascribe that phenomenon to a personal 'choice' is to violate everything logical and sound about what we have learned medically and scientifically. It negates the attributes of the person's immune system, sexual habits and basic physical make-up. It ascribes the whole thing to the person's control.

"But what about the person who doesn't even know about HIV and contracts it", I ask.

(God card) "Oh, subconsciously we know everything, so unconsciously he knew he was going to contract the disease, because that's what happens--our body goes into dis-ease with itself and it will manifest physically when it is there emotionally or spiritually."

How do you argue with that? You don't.
How do you reason with a person so firmly entrenched in magical thinking as to have an answer for everything? You can't.

It's the same delusional thinking that fundamental religious fanatics ascribe to, and it's dangerous. Why?
Because in our society, we are pumping millions of dollars into opportunistic "healers", "Life coaches" and other snake-oil salesmen instead of pumping money where it matters: research, medical research, and charities to help those less fortunate than ourselves.

OH, but that's right.

Those children choose to be hungry.

Must be some kind of karma to have to starve to death.

peace

Honoring Our Dead

As Veteran's Day approaches, I feel pensive about the many families who have lost loved ones to war.

I have never lost anyone to war, just to disease and the cruelty of Time.

My parents believed, as Mormons do, that our family is "forever." Imagine their worry when I was no longer a member. They are going to lose me forever.

I recently visited my new favorite stomping ground where a poster posted a blog about Baptisms for the Dead--the Mormon practice of taking the name of the deceased and performing ritual baptism for them so that in the afterlife, they can choose whether or not to accept Mormonism.

The poster, Jeff, posted his "dilemma" and I couldn't understand why he had a dilemma at all. His mother's deathbed wish was to not be baptized LDS posthumously. Seems pretty open and shut.

The conflict comes because the poster did not respect her wishes. He submitted her name anyway.

You're probably wondering why I care, given the fact that I'm an atheist (other than the All-Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster) so either way, we die and poof, we're gone. Being baptized by my family posthumously is a moot point to me because I don't believe in it anyway.

But this man's mother made a request. Yet, she didn't buy (literally) into Mormonism either. So why would she make the request?

Some contended on Mormon Matters that she made the request to rob him of his free agency. Uh.......huh.

Personally, I think she did it out of fear; she didn't understand that she'd have a choice in the afterlife, assuming Mormons were right. She was afraid she'd get up to heaven and the Posthumous Mormon Police would say, "Sorry, you're Mormon now, take the last exit on the LEFT."

But the dilemma really isn't about agency or free-will. It's about whether or not the poster should obey his church or respect his mother.

I find it sad that the very presence of religion creates this dilemma at all. And it does, every hour of every day for millions of people.

I plan on honoring my dead as I honor them in life--I will do nothing to them in theory or practice that would cause them distress had they been alive. To me, that's what honor is about.

My honor.


Chowder

Mormons Matter--Mormon Matters

Am I re-converting to Mormonism?!

Sadly no. (Sorry Bro). But when a cute little college student/returned missionary showed up at my door with a sales pitch for dehydrated food storage, I found myself making an appointment to see him for lunch the next day. NO, not at some smoky little out of the way restaurant--in my home, with my kids eating....dried food. Reconstituted dried food. According to K, it makes one very gassy. He's right, I'm afraid. But I digress.

Cute College Boy asked if we were LDS. My daughter snorted a laugh before I could respectably say "No, we aren't." (Thanks, E).

But damn he was a good salesman. Gas aside, the food was pretty damn darn good. I'm trying to talk K into the three month supply with the bonus dessert pack (bananas Foster--yum!)

I have a soft-spot for Mormons. It's because I am a former Mormon as well as a cultural Mormon. K taught me that term and I love it. I don't have to 'throw the baby out with the bathwater'; Mormonism still has many fine qualities that have been imbued in me.


I've been spending some time on the site Mormon Matters. I think part of me likes the free-thinking nature of the Mormons on the blog. It gives me a chance to voice my doubts, dissent and dissatisfaction with the Church in a group of people that don't automatically do a verbal lynching of the religion and people in it. Former Mormons can be very tiresome that way.

One of the most interesting things was when I posted a comment about Mormonism and poverty on this blog entry.

A Mormon got all bent out of shape because I called Mormons in low positions of the Church "ignorant shit suckers'--only, I DIDN'T.

Those words were all his, baby.

But it brings up an interesting point about dissent. As a former Mormon, any time I speak out against Mormonism, I either get the victim stance (you called us shit suckers! You're mean!) Or I get treated with disdain, like a verbal pat on the head as if to say, 'silly girl, you'll learn the truth when you're dead and IT'S TOO LATE!'

But on Mormon Matters, I've found an openness in the dialog that is refreshing and insightful, intellectual and honest. I've found Mormons that, had I still been a disaffected member, might have fallen in with and thus remained Mormon.


But I'm too far down the rabbit hole. I took the red pill. I see it for what it is and somewhere, deep down inside, I still mourn the loss of the community.

So I return to Mormon Matters again and again, looking, I think, for that commonality that makes us all, deep down inside, human. I seek that thread that promotes the good aspects of my childhood church.

And we're set, in case of a disaster, for three months.

That is, if I can withstand all the hot air, er, gas.


Chowder

De-Friended on FaceBook

I am shocked and dismayed that a person on my 258-long FaceBook friend's list has deleted me.  I'm going to miss his hourly updates on the mundane state of his mundane mind and mundane job. Seriously.

The reason I was deleted, according to a fellow deletee, is that we are....apostates. You know, as in the eternally perditionified Mormons (I think there are TWO made-up words in this paragraph...awesome!)

As I perused FaceBook, I found  blog called MormonMatters.

It's filled with those rare Mormons who actually think, dissent and question. I love that. One of the authors of the blog recently friended me on FaceBook. I find it interesting that I was de-friended by a person I have actually met and with whom I grew up.

One post  on  MormonMatters deals with the Shadow aspect of the human psyche.  This is my comment to the poster.

This is an interesting post and I think right on in most parts. I deal with many former and disaffected Mormons and what I have observed is this: the Shadow is so completely quashed as a member of the Church, that when they finally leave, they almost let it engulf them.



In (rudimentary) developmental terms, Mormons who leave the faith often go into what they should have done at 12–17 years of age: their teenage rebellion against authority. BUT…what happens when you reach age 12 as teens in Mormondom? That’s right… The religion’s tenants and the consequences of opposition become more serious, more stringent; the shame and fear-based teachings get amped up, become more pronounced in order to maintain control of the Wild Shadow (to mix a metaphor) within.



I remember terrifying lessons on sexual feelings and the presence of Satan–if I had sexual feelings, “He” was close at hand. How horrible! One teacher told of a time she had “gone too far” with her then-husband while they were engaged (she was 19, I was an enthralled 13 year old). That night, she felt a demonic presence in her bedroom and a pressure on her chest pressing down on her, as if some unseen force was laying on her. She also felt a force, like a hand, encircling her wrist, squeezing painfully. Sexual metaphor aside, this terrified me as a teen. TO THIS DAY, I can’t have my arm hanging off of my bed at night while I sleep.



Didn't’t keep me from being sexual, but it sure changed my sleep habits. Night lights became my friend.



The point is, we all have a Shadow and in the culture of “Sunshine in My Soul Today” Mormonism, there is no room for acknowledgment of said Shadow. This keeps many Mormons stunted developmentally. This is good news for the Faith. If it had a bunch of rebellious, questioning-authority teenagers as members, it would last about a week (the back-talk alone would kill the apologists). If Mormonism can effectively keep a hold on a young man until his mission–the ultimate indoctrination process, then it has a better shot of keeping him. And young women? They use the fact that being married in the temple and having children is the most glorious of callings. If you don’t remain “pure”, no respectable RM will have you–you are sullied; you are unclean. It’s a daunting task, especially if you have a healthy libido. Trust me.



Once an individual has quashed their natural tendencies to question, rebel and think for themselves, they are much easier to control. Questioning is no longer an option or priority; raising all of those kids and managing the callings is where the focus lies.



But there are some, a few, who JUST can’t get that rebellion out of their craw…the thinkers, the intellectuals, the questioning…and the fact that some of these people (like you it seems) stay involved in the Church is interesting and fascinating to me.



For me? I had to be a Wild Thing with a little Mormon sprinkled in, as opposed to a Mormon with a little Wild scattered about. It just feels more…natural.

TT--Mea Culpa

...."through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault."

Where is the white out for my life?

Which parts do I cover....

I can't cover husband #1 because that would negate my daughters.

I can't cover husband #2 because that would negate my son.

I can't cover my rebellion from Mormonism--that would negate powerful growth.

I can't cover my time in Mormonism; that would negate powerful concepts learned.

I won't cover my many mistakes in my youth; that would negate who I am.

I wouldn't cover my mistakes with men; that would negate my strength.

I won't cover my mistakes as a teenager because that would negate my ability to stand firm in my skin.

I wouldn't cover my mistakes as a woman because that would change what I know.

I will never cover my imperfections; that negates my uniqueness.

I will never cover my physical flaws completely; that negates my specific attractiveness.

I won't cover my embarrassing moments; they provide me with humility.

I would never cover moments in which I was painfully honest with another; that would rob them of the same thing.

I will not cover my lifestyle choices--that would negate my reasons for being alive.

I won't cover my writing--it's who I am and I don't apologize for it.

I won't cover my mistakes as a parent; they helped my children grow as much as me.

I won't cover my mistakes with my parents; it would negate their personal growth as individuals.

I will not cover my personal doubts and struggles; I need a chance to learn and grow.

I will not cover my doubts and insecurities; I want to overcome and step into my own power.

Finally....

I will never,

ever,

ever,

ever,

EVER

cover my lust

for......

Jason Statham--that would negate that I am human. (sorry honey, and fuck you too. With sugar on top)

Attention WalMart Shoppers

I admit it. There are times I go to WalMart. It's closer than Target and it has a couple of things Target doesn't--like my plain seafood instead of seafood steeped in salt, sugar and chemicals.

WalMart never ceases to amaze me however. No, not the store, the shoppers. So I'd like to do a shout-out to all of the people who shop at WalMart (this is based on observations from last night's trip ALONE.)

Dear WalMart Shoppers:

If you are coughing similar to the tune of a foghorn mingled with a bull seal, perhaps you ought to 1) stay home so you don't infect everyone at the store, or 2) wear something more than a t-shirt and sweats in 39- degree weather.

If you deem it necessary to wear a long-sleeve shirt and a jacket, perhaps your 8-9 month old baby ought to have the same consideration rather than a short sleeve summer dress and no f***ing shoes.

It may be a sign that Little Debbie isn't your friend is you are unable to reach her newest close-out Halloween treats because you have an ass where your stomach should be,

It may be time to stop breeding when the only mode of discipline you employ is the words 'shut up--now!' with your hand raised threateningly over your child.

Perhaps your money would be better spent on groceries than the $90 New Religion jeans you're sporting...especially when you're paying your grocery bill with my goddamned tax money and a Horizon Card.




Those short straps in the front of the cart actually fit together with those plastic fasteners to secure your child in said cart so they don't fall out and crack their skulls open.


I'm not entirely sure it's a good idea to try on lingerie while your toddler runs around the department with a dirty diaper as your disinterested boyfriend ignores him and texts someone repeatedly (probably another mother of another child).

These are merely suggestions for you; as a person who goes to WalMart very infrequently, I really don't mind if you continue said behaviors. But if I find that I do need to stop in, maybe these suggestions will be helpful in keeping me from wanting to kill you.

All the best,

JACW


Chowder